“Much-Afraid told herself that never before had she realized what the awakening from the death of winter was like.”
-Hannah Hurnard, Hind’s Feet On High Places (pg. 112)
It is particularly heart-wrenching for me to read those lines.
Maybe because the dawn of spring has never been without an expectant joy in my life. The bright green leaves, the fresh dew instead of frost, the birds returning home; not a moment was ever lost to me.
Every year, winter makes me feel nearly as dead as spring and summer make me feel alive.
Having felt at the brink of death more than once, each bright color and warm breeze after a long winter warms my bones and reminds them to cling to life.
This is the only real grip I have.
Even when PTSD makes me lose grip on my entire reality, GOD firms my fingers to hold fast to life.
The thought of having such a simple thought to which to clutch reminds me of a painful and brief argument that I had with GOD.
I was so frustrated and uncomfortable inside His Love because it didn’t hurt. To me, to be loved was to be in pain. I kept waiting for the other foot to drop, but it just wouldn’t. I kept waiting for GOD to hurt me or bail and neither was coming my way.
So, crying and screaming (and driving) I yelled at GOD:
“WHY WON’T YOU LET GO OF ME!!?!”
To which His swift reply came as suddenly as my cry:
“YOU LET GO OF ME FIRST.”
In the wake of that bold dare, GOD assured me that I know what it looks like to quit, to let go, to walk away. Yet, even under a weight that can feel as if my heart may be crushed by His call and I may die undertaking His wishes,
I cannot let go.
With the mind of Peter I can only ask, “To whom shall I go LORD?”
I have nothing and no one else whose grip is so secure.
Will you let go when it’s hard? Or will you keep holding on?
I am sure you know what it means to walk away.
Nothing can separate us from the LOVE of GOD.
But a lot can separate us from the TRUTH of GOD.
When you lose your grip:
REMEMBER LOVE OF GOD
SEEK THE TRUTH OF GOD.
I’m going to go write that on my mirror….